Though our preference is to overwhelm you with raw sexuality, we'll occasionally fall back upon our music. We've got things to say, damnit, and we want you to read all about it.


Ballad of Kelly Smalls

Collin Conoley

Notes: A truthish, San Francisco love story.

You said you were from Texas but you needed to go
far away from the land of the armadillo
to a place that knows what a girl like you needs

Northern California seemed a likely place
to change your body, and change your face
and go to the bar where your drunken heart still bleeds

You said, "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you a secret."
Father done told me I don't want to hear it.
I just want to dance with you.
I just want to pretend, pretend the whole night through

You and Miss Green go and hit the town
Flirt with the boys but they let you down
You didn't end your old life just to end up alone.

The morning light shows you for who you are
burned by the tails of the shooting stars
that you love to chase. But now you gotta go home.

You said, "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you a secret."
I can see your hands, girl, I don't need to hear it.
I just want to sing with you.
I just want to pretend you're a person that I once knew.

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Collin Conoley

Notes: If we were ever to do a spaghetti western, it would be the back story to this song.

Robert and Lucinda were walking down the aisle
His shirt was starched, the wedding march made the whole church smile
Just before the preacher stood up to start the show
She said to him, "Dear Robert, there's one thing you must know."

Robert stopped dead in his tracks and looked into her eyes
His right hand started twitching, he loosened up his tie
She said to him, "Before we met, it was a long, long time ago,
I wasn't called Lucinda, they called me Banjolero."

I was leather tough and meaner than a drunken rattle snake.
I really love you baby but please make no mistake
Yes I was an outlaw who hungered just for gold
I was the killer and they called me Banjolero.

He said, "Thank you dear Lucinda for telling me your story.
I've been keeping secrets too, for that I'm truly sorry.
You lived your life by gun and knife, I lived by my gun too
For I was the Marshal, they sent to capture you.

I was leather tough and meaner than a drunken rattle snake
I really love you baby, but please make no mistake
Every outlaw that I caught is buried 6 below
And that is what I planned for you, my darling Banjolero.

The wedding guests were quiet, to hear what she would say
They'd either see a wedding or a funeral that day.
She said to him, "Well here I am, do what you must do."
He said, "I threw my badge away I'm here to marry you."

They're leather tough and meaner than drunken rattle snakes
They really love each other but brother make no mistake
Cross their paths and you'll find out what pain really is
Just wait until they start having kids.

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The Bar is Closed on Christmas

Collin Conoley

Notes: We're now two songs into a Christmas album...just need 8 more or so. This song follows our usual path of dysfunction and abuse, but was basically inspired by signs and newspaper ads from bars and strip clubs stating whether or not they'd be open on Christmas day.

My feet shuffle through the snow
there's a smile upon my face
I know just where I want to go
my all time favorite place

The icicles and the Christmas cheer
hang on every home.
I just want to have some beer
and spend some time alone

But when I get up to the bar
the neon signs are dim
I pound and pound upon the door
but they don't let me in.

Because the Bar is closed on Christmas
And Jesus Christ is laughing down at me
All I wanted this year was to drink my cares away
Now I have to spend it with my wife and family.

Snow flakes dance across my nose
my breath fogs up before my face
I know just where I have to go
my second all time favorite place

Strings of light flashing red and green
Snow men standing in the lawns
I just want a shot of Jimmy Beam
and to hear some jukebox songs

But when I get up to the bar
the neon signs are dim
I pound and pound upon the door
but they don't let me in.

I guess my fate has been revealed
I won't fight it any more
The gates of salvation have been sealed
So I walk back home to my front door.

But when I get up to my house
none of the lights are on
I pound and pound upon the door
but my family's gone

Because my house is closed on Christmas
And Jesus Christ is laughing down at me
All I wanted this year was a quiet night at home
Now I'm freezing on the lawn with no wife or family.

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Better than Being Alone

Collin Conoley

Notes: As friggin' math geniuses, we explore the positive correlation between the lateness of the night and the desirability of anyone left at the bar.

The scene in here is all too familiar
The patrons and the bar are dimly lit.
You're still sitting there, but honey don't despair
Being picked last don't bother me a bit.

I may not be rich, or good looking.
I don't have nice shoes, or a car.
But have another drink, and you'll start to think
things are gettin' much better than they are.

Baby I am better than being alone.
Come and get your consolation prize.
I can see that look of reluctant acceptance in your eyes.
Being with me is better than being alone.

I ain't had a job in quite some time.
There's holes and mustard stains on my jeans.
I have a loose conception, of other folk's perceptions
And a fairly relaxed grasp upon hygiene.

Well nothing about me is at all appealing
at least that's what it seems upon first glance
But the bedroom that we'll share, and the pleasure we find there
will be followed by my rapid disappearance

Babe, step back and see the bigger picture
We're just living one moment to the next
There's a reason why we lower inhibitions
And do things that we'd otherwise regret

You don't have to worry about tomorrow.
There's no reason that you should feel guilty.
I won't stick around, I just need a ride to town
Or 5 bucks for the cab if you won't drive me.

Cause baby I am better than being alone.
Come and get your consolation prize.
I see that look of reluctant acceptance in your eyes.
Because being with me is better than being alone.
Life will be much easier when you realize
Being with me is better than being alone.

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Birthday Song

Collin Conoley

Notes: It seems like it's someone's birthday at every single show we play. And because we couldn't figure out how to play the real birthday song, we wrote one ourselves.

Well it's that time of year again, when you get together all your friends
and have a big old party on the town.
There'll be dinner there'll be dancing, and maybe some romancing
and drinking until we all fall down.

But this year I must warn you, I'm gonna be the one who
goes a little out of my head.
Cuz though it is your birthday, I just saw my baby
Kissing on my former best friend.

Happy, happy birthday to you my dear old friend.
Your happiness and my sorrow, will never find an end.
The memories of this party, I hope you'll always save
Cuz though it's you who's one year older, I'm the one who's heading towards my grave.

Well I guess her infidelity, shouldn't be a surprise to me
it ain't like it ain't happened all before.
It was six or seven years ago, I gave you cards and dominoes
and I caught her with my cousin on the floor.

Or maybe you'll remember, what happened last December
I'd just given you a sweater from the Gap.
You remarked how soft it was, while she was banging Santa Claus
I can't recall just why I took her back.

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Blood to Whiskey: A Sour Mash Miracle

Collin Conoley

Notes: I once went to a reading of a poet, and to be honest I couldn't tell you who he was, or what he wrote, but there was one thing he said that stuck with me. He was telling a joke about the arty types he hung out with, and how they had taken it upon themselves to meet up every Friday night and try to reverse transubstantiate (or whatever) by turning their blood into cheap red wine. This joke and the knowledge that no country and western superstar is complete without a song about God led me to this treatise on alcoholism and comparative theology.

Some folks think that the wine turns into blood
I'm here to tell you son, that's not how it's done.
Someone over there is looking at me kinda frisky
But to get this done we'll have to turn our blood to whiskey.

Line my shots up two by two by two
Two from every bottle on the wall will do.
The flood is coming and I think it might get risky.
To live through this we'll have to turn our blood to whiskey.

Blood to Whiskey
Lord it feels alright
Miracles they happen every night

You look like an angel in the neon light
Let's see which commandment we can break tonight
Thou shalt not love any man but me
From up on high sang turn your blood into whiskey.

The hour's late and I think we passed the test.
Folks shuffle out to begin their day of rest.
Grab my hand and let's go home quickly
Glory hallelujah I turned my blood into whiskey.

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Bones of Glory

Collin Conoley

Used to be a king
now your scepter's in the gutter
Used to have a queen
then you killed your last blood brother

Now your picking holes in your skin
They're pounding on your door but you won't let them in
Brewing up the chemistry of sin
Brewing up the chemistry of sin.

Naked to the eye
a dead man's bed-time story
Found you like a dog
chewing on the bones of glory

Hungry for the times that went away
order up a mess but can't afford to pay
Hear the cloud burst the poppin of the jay
hear the cloud burst the poppin of the jay

Polish up your boots
until they're all black and shiny
File down your teeth
Make them all sharp and tiny

Feasting on the flesh of your kin
Scratch another ticket but you can never win
Crows on the porch counting 8-9-10
Crows on the porch counting 8-9-10

Chewing on the bones of glory

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Collin Conoley

My daddy had an old GTO that he'd drive around the town
It was primer gray and it had a way of always breaking down.
Half the windows were duct tape and plastic the other half were cracked
But to hear him tell it he'd never sell it because I was born in the back.

Our house was a run down mobile home in middle of a trailer park
The dogs would growl and the wind would howl whenever it'd get dark.
The tornados never scared us away, no matter how bad they'd get,
Cuz during one of those twisters my little sister was born in the kitchenette.

Wind through the oak trees, boy where you from?
Howlin' at the silver spoons, that's where I was born.

The south field of my granny's place had the old red barn
It held the cow and the tractor plow, it was quite, dark and warm.
My cousin Will was born in the hayloft amongst the grains and seeds
And Uncle Lyle would crack a smile cuz that's where they conceived.

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Bourbon and Bile

Collin Conoley

Notes: We've been trying to get a Revenge of the Nerds quote into a song for as long as we've been playing (it's in the second line of the second to last verse if you couldn't pick it out). The song title comes from the incomparable Jason Keith, and this song covers just about every country cliche you can think of, and comes up with a few more for good measure.

I walked home drunk again tonight.
Unless you're asleep there's gonna be a fight
I throw down the whiskey and you throw down your glove
I fell in the bottle when push turned into shove.

Remember the way that it used to be?
You never loved a man the way that you loved me.
Every day was daises, roses and a fifth of gin
your brown eyes twinkled but were red around the rims.

Oh we used to laugh and dance all night long.
But it went by too fast, and you left me singing that sad ol' song.
You punched me in the stomach laughing all the while
and I was left there chokin' on bourbon and bile.

Now I try and find a trace,
but every clue that you were here has somehow been erased.
There's no pictures on the wall to prove we used to be
But I know that it must be true because I'm so lonely.

I hope you're happy I hope you're proud of yourself
You sure got to me and knocked me off of my top shelf.
You put me in the oven and then turned up the dial
I was left to burn in hell with my bourbon and bile

Who's that guy there I don't know
He looks like your mother's douche but I'd swear it's in Ohio
If he don't get his hands off you I'll tear that boy apart
I don't mind a few broken bones to match my foolish heart.

You say that I'm crazy, hell bent on suicide
Honey that may be true but it's gonna be a hell of a ride
I wonder when I'll see you next, hell it may be a while
till that day I'll be eatin' crow, will I change hell I don't know
I'll just drown in my own style full of bourbon and bile.

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Breaking up is hard (in this competitive housing market)

Collin Conoley

Notes Have you heard breakup stories about couples who are living together breaking up but not being able to move out for several months while one looks for another place to live? Yeah.

Set the futon on fire
Burn the dresser too
I don't need Ikea
if I don't have you

I can't believe
that you're leaving me
I can't afford
the rent singly

I don't want a roommate I don't want a sub-let
I just want you here with me and a life that I can't get
I just signed a year long contract for DSL
I hope you go to hell.

It's a dirty trick
I wish I knew how
you've never looked so good
as you do right now

What about our dog
tell me who gets that
you can take him with you
if I can kill the cat

It was your idea to move in, and now your movin' out
I sacrificed so much for you so what's this all about
You made me throw away my pornography
I'm gonna need it desperately

They say that breaking up
is hard to do
and in this housing market
now I know that it's true

I hope you're happy
and you find some peace
You broke my heart
and you broke our lease

But don't you worry baby I'll find somebody new
A girl that's twice as beautiful with a big screen TV too.
And if you think that I'm gonna help you pack
you must be smoking crack.

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Call me John

Collin Conoley

Notes This song was inspired from my good friend and fellow band member John Brunn's idea for a song about a very close relationship with Jack Daniel's and that has the catch phrase "Call me John". Also it comes from our bassist Kevin's almost unnatural affinity for sacred brown liquid that puts a fire in your belly and a song in your heart.

I never had a problem making friends but I lose them just as fast
One day I'm swimmin' in money and women the next day I'm on my ass
But recently I've made a brand new best friend
He's dressed in black and when he takes off his hat I can't hide my grin

This black label bottle always has the time
He always listens to me and he always soothes my mind
When I got problems I just let him know
Then he goes right to work and away my troubles go

"Hey Mr. Daniels,
I just lost my job."
He said, "I ain't much on manners son,
you can just call me John."

Well my good buddy, is in every bar in town.
From the swanky up scale types of clubs To the meanest, most run-down.
He's the life of every party I know he mixes well
But if you get near him with a pink umbrella he'll tell you to go to hell.

"Hey Mr. Daniels,
my old lady up and gone."
He said, "Mr. Daniels is my daddy's name,
you can just call me John."

With the increasing of our familiarity
I can feel it impeding my sobriety

Well sometimes when we hang out I get a little bit out of control
But when they let me out of jail he's there ready to console.

"Hey Mr. Daniels,
Why'm I laying naked on the lawn?"
He said, "You're just blowin' off some steam
and remember to call me John."

"You're the best lookin' guy in the whole damn world
and you can just call me John."

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Charlie Bravo

Collin Conoley

Notes The code work for the guy who ruins your game. Every. Single. Time. It's deep stuff.

Well you and me we're best friends
and we'll be buddies until we die.
We're closer than even brothers could be
and I could never tell you a lie.

We're as close as I ever could
be comfortable with another man.
So tell me something buddy ol' pal
because I don't understand...

Why are you cock blocking me? What makes you tick?
Oh why are you cock blocking me? You're such a dick.
I got up to get her a drink and now you're sitting in my seat
oh why are you cock blocking me?

Haven't I always been
a good wingman to you?
Taking one for the team
like I'm supposed to do.

But I need for you to show me
a little restraint, alright?
Try to think about my penis
instead of your own tonight.

Why are you cock blocking me? You're fuckin' in my way.
Oh why are you cock blocking me? I won't get no play.
I just need a little time, to show this girl that I can shine
why are you cock blocking me?

CoCo take it easy, man.
There's no need to get uptight
We were only talking about work
Besides she's not your type.

I know that you are funnier
and better looking than me.
But can't you see I need this?
Won't you please help me?

Why are you cock blocking me?
Why are you cock blocking me?
You're butting in, you're in the way, you're ruining, my big day
You keep me out, you make me tense, I'm posting up but you're playing defense
If you don't go, I'm gonna cry, and then she'll leave, so tell me why,
Why are you cock blocking me?
Oh why are you cock blocking me?

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Collin Conoley

Notes: We never intended the name of this song to stick, it was just a joke because a buddy of ours, Ted Hamilton, once said he wanted to start a Christian rock band called Christicles. Trust us that it was pretty funny at the time.

Well Jesus Christ was the king of the Jews
He walked everywhere in his Jesus shoes
He walked on the water and he walked on grass
Put his holy foot up the money changer's ass

Living for today he's got nothing lose
how could ol' Jesus, get the blues?
Get the blues,
Get the blues
the sin of mankind weighing on his mind
how could ol' Jesus get the blues

When the lord got hungry for some evil-doers blood
He told old Noah to get ready for a flood
Gonna cleanse the earth of everything that don't float
It only seems extreme if you don't make it on the boat

He didn't bring no sharks but he brought a turtle dove
when they finally hit dry land they started making love
Oh Making love,
making love
When they hit dry land they kissed the sand
Then they started making love

We're gonna hold back the water
We're gonna cast the first stone
We're gonna touch the holy martyr
Standing all alone. By a sandy throne.

Buddha sat alone by the bodhi tree
He saw his past lives and who he used to be.
Passing to nirvana isn't graded on a curve
Karma is a bitch, you're gonna get what you deserve

I used to be a farmer you used to be a tree
no one gets hurt by blasphemy
oh blasphemy
I may go to hell but you know I mean well
It's just a little light hearted blasphemy

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Collin Conoley

Notes: This song is a tribute to our friend Dave Shear of Useless Desires fame. Dave's a great songwriter and guitar player and the PCE rhythm section and I used to play with him every now and then under the band name Raise No Rookies. It was a blast to play with him as his songs were a complete departure from our usual material. Dave was also the first person I'd ever met who used the term Cougar. He often used the phrase "Goin' cougar huntin'" and would invariable follow it up with a "Wwwwrraaaaaooooowl!!" roar. Cougars have hit the mainstream these days, but I'll always attribute the phrase to him.

I can see you lookin' at me
and I can't say that I blame you.
You look like a jungle cat
but I know that I can tame you.

I came to this bar for only one reason
and I know why you're here too.
you just finished off your seventh cape cod
and now you're in the mood.

Yeah you're on the hunt
You're as sweet as sugar
You're my urban cougar.

Your teeth are long and your claws are sharp
and I'm your kind of boy.
You are a hungry tiger, baby
and I'm Siegfried and Roy.

It's not every day that you can find
a big piece of meat like me
I'm god's gift to cougars baby
take a bite and see

Huntin' cougars ain't easy
but you gotta know where to go
just hit Cosmo in the Marina
now I'll go to Balboa.

There's a cougar over there watch out!
That was close call
They can smell fear, and they can smell blood
but they can't smell alcohol

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Collin Conoley

Notes: Every band needs one song that will make their parents want to disown them...we have a couple.

I was 18, when I left Nebraska
I headed West searching for that gold
I met a girl named Mistress Anastasia
She clamped my nipples and put me in a sleeper hold

You're a good ol' lady
but you could be so much more
if you spanked me like a bad, bad baby
ride me like a little pony, call me your fucking whore

Put that leash on me
I'll drink from your toilette bowl
I sure do feel lucky
Our love will surely grow

I am a maso, I'm a masochistic cowboy
That's why I ride that rodeo
Get out your rope, turn it into a lasso
Tie me up like a doggie on the prairie fields back home

My friends, they don't understand me
they think that I'm insane
Just because I want you to brand me
burn your mark on my hide and set me loose on the range

No more bulls left to battle
The bucking bronc's worn thin
I found a new use for my saddle
hang on for 8 seconds just to win.

I sure am glad I moved away from the country
In the city I'm never quite alone
Chrome, lubricant and leather
are the simple things that make a house a home.

Make those handcuffs tight
and drip hot wax on my thigh
I promise that I won't put up a fight.
I love to see you happy when I cry.

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Crop Circle Waltz

Collin Conoley

Notes A baby-done-left me song through the lens of alien abductions. So-called "Real Life" stories of UFO's and aliens are often at their very heart tales of rural America. I don't know why there aren't more country songs about it.

I was swingin' on the front porch one hot Kearny night
When all of a sudden I saw a bright light
They came with no warning they just landed there
on top of my cattle my sheep and old mare.
Their heads were enormous their eyes shiny and black
I said I'd go with them and never go back

Fly me away.
My woman she left me, she ain't coming home.
Fly me away.
I'd rather be floating than live all alone.

I won't miss this farm it's no field of dreams
I worked on it so long for nothing it seems.
The one thing I will miss is old Rusty's Bar
the beer stains and remains of love gone too far.
I'll let them probe me and cut me apart
I bet they ain't seen a broken heart.

Fly me away.
My woman she left me, she ain't coming home.
Fly me away.
I'd rather be floating than live all alone.

Now when I look all I see is your face
Maybe I'll forget you in outer space
My space friends have come not a moment too soon
So I'll go take a flying fuck at the moon

Fly me away.
My woman she left me, she ain't coming home.
Fly me away.
I'll see my space friends when this drink is done.

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Daddy's Little Boy

Collin Conoley

Sleep now baby boy, it's time to go to bed
let dreams of candy and baseball drift through your head
I'll kiss you on the forehead and then turn out the light
and now daddy's goin' out to get fucked up tonight

All day long you played, and rode your bike around
you're growing up so big and strong, you're making me so proud.
In the morning I'll make breakfast, to start our day off right
but now daddy's going' out to get fucked up tonight

We've never gone hungry, though we sure ain't rich
You did such a good job, lying to that social services bitch.
Daddy's going' out to get fucked up tonight
Daddy's going' out to get fucked up tonight

You ask about your mommy. Where did she go?
Your mommy's she's in jail, for robbing a liquor store.
She's learning how to weld, and getting in shower fights
now daddy's goin' out to get fucked up tonight.

Someday you'll have children, and then you'll understand
Why drinking booze through the terrible two's is really something grand
Oh daddy's going' out to get fucked up tonight
Daddy's going' out to get fucked up tonight
Oh daddy's going' out to get fucked up tonight
Daddy's going' out to get fucked up tonight

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Fault lines and good times

Collin Conoley

Notes: A song about earthquake preparedness, tennis and home towns. Written after some serious talks about getting supplies ready for an earthquake or other such natural sort of meanders off after that, but does give an excellent opportunity for some shameless name-dropping.

Feets are crunching on the ground. Broken glass lay all around
Slip sliding all the way back home
Up above the stars shine bright. Echoes off the neon lights
Voices whisper, "You'll never die alone."

Fill a bag with beer and bread. Tuck it underneath your bed.
Gotta last for a couple days
Flashlight compass fishing line. Mason jars of turpentine.
20 yards of rope and a bale of hay.

We'll meet up in San Francisco
Fault lines and good old times today
Where we go after this I don't really know
While Otis Redding starts to play
Sittin' on the dock of the bay.

Fundamentals not forgot. On your toes and hands in front
Shuffle back to the center line
Erotic served in liquid form. Deception acts like chloroform
Have a glass and you'll be just fine.

We'll meet up in San Francisco
Fault lines and good times today
Where we'll go after that I don't know
While Guitar Ted begins to play
Marlene Dietrich singing Lili Marlene.

Lincoln was the starting line. Lots of friends were left behind
I have to wonder, would they recognize?
Beer and whiskey are served within. Locked inside the jukebox din
A new motion soon is memorized.

We'll meet up in San Francisco
Fault lines and good times today
Where we'll go after that I don't know
While The Devil's Own goes right into
Honey I'll make a ghost town out of you.

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Halloween Song

Collin Conoley

Notes A song dedicated to the Great Pumpkin and the SF dating scene.

I saw her in the graveyard one dark and rainy night.
A trail of slime behind her, and looking' out of site.
But when I went up to her, to ask her for her name
She held me in a cold embrace, and tried to eat my brains.

Way back when in high school, I went off to the prom
I pick my date up at her house, I met her dad and mom
And in the full moon light, I leaned in for a kiss
I became aware of the bitch's hair, growing from her lips.

I used to like scary movies
I used to think that they were made up lies.
But recently I've come to see an evil new reality
Every woman out there, is a monster in disguise.

You used to just need condoms, to go out on a date
Now you need some holy water, garlic and stake.
Stories of your gal's conception aren't very frightening
Because she's not comprised of cadaver parts and lightning.

Love is never easy, is what my daddy said.
but did he ever have to deal with the armies of undead?
In the world of modern romance, you never can be sure.
I want a girl possessed with love, not with Lucifer

You understand my disappointment that I feel when
An alien comes forcibly, from my girl's abdomen.

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Hard to Fight Off Heart-Ache (when all your friends are in AA)

Collin Conoley

Notes: We've all had to help our good friends get through a broken heart at one time or another. Unless you're ready to shoulder some uncomfortable physical duties, the best way you can help is to take them to a bar to drink and talk the night away. In fact, the only reason I can drink whiskey straight is from doing that very took about a month or two, but he started feeling better and wound up with a wonderful girl, and I lost all feeling in my tongue. This is a song about what would happen if you didn't have any good friends to help you through the hard times.

It used to be when I found myself in a bad situation.
I could count on my good friends being there to help with my inebriation.
But since you walked out on me, I'm alone in an awful way.
It's hard to fight off heart-ache when all your friends are in AA.

With their 12 step this and 12 step that, they don't seem to see.
That by saving their own lives they're selfishly ignoring me.
With those meetings and those silly tokens, and I'm the one who has to pay.
Yeah it's hard to fight off heart-ache when all your friends are in AA.

It's hard to be alone at night
It's hard to say goodbye
It's hard to sit alone with drinks I can't afford to buy
It's hard to say I'm sorry
It's hard to know what's right
But not as hard as getting my friends to come out with me tonight.

Some suggest psychiatry, but I don't know what to think.
I don't need to start poppin' pills, all's I need's a drink.
I'm hoping that one of my friends will fall off the wagon today,
because it's hard to fight off heart-ache when all your friends are in AA.

Now I find myself talking to strangers at the bar.
I'm baring my most inner soul and I don't know who they are.
My friends all say that Jesus Christ will lend a helping hand,
But the Lord can't medicate me the way that bottle can.

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Hippy Girlfriend

Collin Conoley

Notes My liberal arts education and then living in San Francisco supplied ample material for this song of opposites attracting. Making fun of hippies (and rednecks) is like shooting fish in a barrel, but we've never been accused of passing up an easy joke.

I'm in love with my hippy girlfriend
and I just can't understand.
How she can smell like patchouli, and smoke lots of reefer
but still love a redneck boy like me.

The first time I saw her she was playing the drums
in a park around the junkies and bums.
Her hair was braided, she had rings on her thumbs,
I knew I had to make her mine.

I wear my boots, and she wears her sandals.
My name is Buck, and Star Child's her handle.
I'm dippin' Kodiak while she's dippin' candles
but she loves me right on time.

She took me to a protest but it looked more like a dance
People jumping all around and takin' off their pants.
She set me down and explained her stance
on non-violent civil disobedience.

She eats her tofu I eat biscuits and gravy,
She stole her bike and my trucks a Chevy.
She thinks a lot, my brain is dry as the levy,
But she still loves her man.

I sit on a bar stool and she sits on the ground
I dance in a line and she twirls around
I can't believe the tattoo I just found.
I'm gonna love her best I can.

I brought her home for Christmas to meet my family.
We gathered there together, around the Christmas tree.
While I enjoyed my presents and Christianity.
She discussed the Solstice, and pagan idolatry.

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Holiday Song

Collin Conoley

Notes I had to do a little bit of research to write this song. I needed to find the names of a bunch of celebrations for a bunch of different religions and cultures and such. It is by no means an exhaustive list and what is on there may not be completely correct...but any excuse to get to sing the first two lines of this song. They crack me and Brunn up every time.

Merry, merry Christmas to you
Unless you happen to be a Jew
Happy Hanukkah then
Light the menorah and come on in.

Let's not forget about Kwanza
I couldn't even if I wanted ta
Happy Winter Solstice to all you Pagans
Let's turn on Showtime and watch The Regans

Have a Happy
a happy happy
a happy happy.

A big shout out, to all you Hindu's
a happy Diwali, to you, you and you.
Eid-Ul Fitr to the people of Islam
You fasted all month for the Ramadan

Spend some time with your family
Call your parents and your old auntie
Tell that special someone that you love 'em
Find some mistletoe and then go get some

Buy some presents if you wanna
But you don't have to spend a lotta
Gifts from the heart count the best
Maybe some cookies or puffy vest

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Collin Conoley

I've always been the manliest of men
skilled in all the manly arts of drunkenness and sin
I brush my teeth with whiskey, wash my hair with gin
Yes I've always been the manliest of men

I've never ever lost in a fight
Never in a barroom, or an alley late at night
It's true that I fight dirty, I kick and scratch and bite
but I've never ever lost in a fight

I've always loved my mama the best
I call her up with problems, to get them off my chest
I've tried other women, they don't pass the test
I've always loved my mama the best

I prefer a dry, crisp chardonnay
with subtle hints of citrus and freshly mown hay
Put away your Pinot Noir, go fuck your Cabernet
I prefer a dry, crisp chardonnay

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I Got Jumped

Collin Conoley

Notes This might be the first song I've ever written, and it's still one of my favorites. It's not as funny or as musically interesting as some of the others, but the story behind it is the best. You can read it for yourself, but the song is only partially true. What is true is that I got the tar beat out of me outside a locals bar in small town Iowa, and I was too drunk to fight back or even know what was going on. What isn't true is that we were hitting on some other fella's women. They were hitting on our friends, and we were smart asses to them, prompting them to pull the classic "wait in the parking lot for them to leave and them jump on them" redneck ambush maneuver. Simple, but effective.

While the beating I took wasn't really all that bad, it followed me for 3 years afterwards. Keeping me up at night, wondering how I could have done things differently. But interestingly enough I found almost immediate catharsis once we started performing this song. Share what's inside you, and it stops being yours I guess. I'm glad to be rid of it.

The only thing I still regret is the police report I wrote out later that night. I kept referring to the guys as "assaultants" when it should be "assailants". I still imagine a DA or judge reading my statement and shaking their head about the amount of money wasted on my college education...what can I say, I wasn't quite myself.

I got jumped outside the bar last night
and I must admit I didn't put up a fight
they punched me right between the eyes
I went down to my surprise
I got jumped outside the bar last night.

I was drinkin' with some friends of mine at the local waterin' hole.
One beer turned into five, and then a couple more.
We were talkin' to some ladies that we didn't know,
they had boyfriends shootin' pool and waitin' by the door.

When we left the bar they were a'waitin' there for me
It looked like 27 guys, but I guess it were only 3.
"We can work this out" I said, "No need for hostility."
"You was talkin' to our girls," he said and knocked me to my knees.

I got jumped outside the bar last night
and I must admit I didn't put up a fight
I couldn't see my head was a swimmin'
I just cried like a damned ol' woman.
I got jumped outside the bar last night.

People gathered 'round us, screamin' and a clappin'
How could those bastards just stood and let it happen?
I think I owed some money, to Hank over there, and Paul.
Hell I guess at one time or 'nuther I just pissed off them all.

Now I can't quite recollect just what happened next
I came to with a bloody nose and achin' in my chest.
My friends lay all around me, lookin' like a mess.
I could lie and say I got my licks in but I must confess.

I got jumped outside the bar last night
and I must admit I didn't put up a fight
I couldn't see my head was a swimmin'
I just cried like a damned woman.
Oh I got jumped outside the bar last night.

I got jumped outside the bar last night
and I must admit I didn't put up one ounce of fight.
I'll never welch on bets again or commit adultery.
But let's just get things clear here fella your lady hit on me.

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I Shot my Wife (Again)

Collin Conoley

The summer sun was high the sun was fiery red
sweat dripped from my nose and blood dripped from the bed
I had seen my woman laying with another man
summer wind shook the leaves and summer sun steadied my hand

The grass is growing tall, the grass is growing sweet
The grass is growing tall it's soft against my bare feet.
but soon enough I'm gonna have to mow it down.
Grass can't cry you know grass can't make a sound.

When the drought is done and rain falls on the plains
When the drought is done you'll want me in your arms again
You'll want me; Sweet corn and golden grain
I just got back from the farm and I shot my wife again.

The rain is coming down, god has sent the clouds
The rain is coming down and tries to wash my sins out.
But soon enough I'm gonna see that some sins can't be washed away.
I'll never be free from the things that I did on that day.

The summer sun was high the sun was fiery red
sweat dripped from my nose and blood dripped from the bed
I had seen my woman laying with another man
summer wind shook the leaves and I shot my wife again.

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It Ain't Fair

Collin Conoley

Daddy always said to count my blessings
He always said that each day is a gift.
But all I count is the money I lost betting,
And all I ever do each day is bitch.

My woman said she'd love me til forever
And forever came with a tall and brown-eyed man
Now they're driving in his car with seats of leather
And I'm here eating chicken in a can.

Oh it ain't fair
What did I ever do?
Oh it ain't fair that we're through.
Oh it ain't fair
Why's it always me
who's in the wrong place and wrong time
Goin' out of my mind cuz life just ain't fair to me.

The devil's got it in for me I know
His pointy fork is shoved into my back
That's why my marijuana plants won't grow
And why I'm hooked on nicotine and crack.

I wish my life were more like Harry Potter's
He's got a wand, and both his folks are dead.
I'd bewitch all your mothers and your daughters
And get the witch Hermione into bed


John Brunn

Notes John's been the instigator/inspiration for many a song, but finally he buckled down and wrote a full one himself. Of course it's dirty, and of course it's about everyone's favorite pop star turned reality TV train wreck. But damn is it fun to play.

You, you're in my dreams
and so it seems
we'd be a great pair

You with long blond hair
Does is match down there
I'd love to see

And its true
Got a bone for you
Oh, its so true
Want to be alone with you, 'lone with you

Nick he's all washed up
But with your D cups
I'd never leave home

Your IQ, is not so high
But baby we'll get by
On your fat paycheck

You're So fucking hot
and maybe I'm not
its so unfair

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Momma taught me to drink

Collin Conoley

Notes: We played a mother's day gig at Doc's Clock bar and learned several new songs for the show, including Danzig's "Mother", Ray Wylie Hubbard's "Up Against the Wall (Red Neck Mother)", and this song. My own mother really likes it, and is oddly proud.

Momma never taught me my p's and q's
Or to wash my hands in the bathroom sink
I never learned how to tie my shoes
But momma sure taught me, she taught me to drink

When I was nine I was makin' moonshine
When I was ten I was cookin' up gin
I got the bartenders bible for confirmation
I could mix up any goddamned libation.

Momma oh Momma
It ain't what you think
Momma she loved me
She taught me how to drink

When I finally turned sixteen
I got the keys to the car and a case of Jim Beam
And the day that I turned twenty one
The police came knockin' and away I run.

I never learned how to do good deeds
That's why I'm locked up in the county clink.
I never learned how to write or read
But momma sure taught me, she taught me to drink

I never learned how to ride a bike
never went to the old skating rink.
I never had toys like a normal tyke
But momma sure taught me, she taught me to drink

Momma never taught me my p's and q's
Or to wash my hands in the bathroom sink
I never learned how to tie my shoes
But momma sure taught me, she taught me to drink

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Ms. Right-Now

Collin Conoley

I left you two years ago to work and save some money.
You stayed behind but promised me you'd always be my honey.
I come home when I can, to spend some time with you.
But in between then I'm still a man, and I ain't proud of what I do.

This big ol' city has got lots of things for a fella like me to enjoy.
I go out, every night, drinking with the boys.
I call you fifteen times a day, "I love and miss you madly."
But I lose sight at the end of the night, I'm a man behaving badly.

I said that I'd be true to you when I got on that train
I said that I would never let you down.
You're Mrs. Right but you're so far away.
So I'm looking for Ms. Right-Now.

I'm the life of the party so it's no surprise, for me to catch some girl's fancy.
I caught Betty Lou, and her friend Sue, and I caught somethin' bad from Nancy.
They don't mean a thing to me, you're the best girl I ever knowed.
But one thing they got that you have not, they share my area code.

Someday soon I'll come back to you, and we can start a life.
We'll buy a house and have some kids, you will be my wife.
When I'm home my eyes won't roam, they'll have no more reason.
I'll never look at my little black book, you're my girl for every season.

You're Mrs. Right but baby, you're so far away from me.
So I'm looking for Miss Right-Now
Looking for Miss Right-Now.

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Not that type of girl

Collin Conoley

Notes: We're all about non-traditional gender roles and smashing the patriarchy (honestly) here at the Porkchop Awareness Center. Maggie supplied me with the title and premise and graciously let me run with it.

You can call me old fashioned or chained to chivalry
But I've got a pretty clear idea on how a girl should be.
And it don't involve no drinking, or staying out 'til dawn
or waking up, still piss drunk with all of my clothes still on.

She won't let me give her my jacket in the rain.
And she won't let me take it slow we gotta go all the way.
I know I should feel lucky to have a girl like this.
But I wind up gettin' molested when all I want's a kiss.

I tell her that I love her I wanna give her my whole world
she just looks at me and says, "I'm not that type of girl."

She's not that type of girl
She don't want flowers
She's not that type of girl
She won't hold my hand
She's not that type of girl
She wants to stay up all night but I don't think I can.

Next week we're going to Vegas and I'm gonna get her all liquored up.
Then I'm gonna marry her in the Chapel of Love.
And when she finally sobers up in a week or maybe three.
She'll see the joys of living life in domesticity.

When the banner of my heart has caught the wind and come unfurled
she stomps my flag into the mud and says, "I'm not that type of girl."

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Reno (aka I asked for Relief but mama said Reno)

Collin Conoley

Notes This song was started as kind of a joke when we were trying to plan a band trip to Reno (which only 3 of us wound up going on). We would all laugh and sort of yell out, "Renoooooooo!". And leave it to me to take a joke too far and make a (unfunny) song about it.

This cold Nebraska town will steal your soul
and drag you into mediocrity.
Your cold maternal heart belies the fact that
I still need you to take care of me.

So we packed our covered station wagon post haste
you laughed and shouted westward ho.
I 80 is an asphalt covered river
A river running down to Reno.

Reno, Reno, I gotta go, to Reno
Reno, Reno, Floating down a river to Reno.

There are only two states, that start with an N
if you don't count the Norths and the News
So it seems only fitting to swap one state for another,
It's all up for you to choose.

On the drive we passed through nature's glory
mighty mountains, canyons down below.
But you just kept on driving, never needing sleep
to lay down your head in Reno

Reno, Reno, I gotta go, to Reno
Reno, Reno, lay down your head in Reno.

Well the buffet spreads out just like a ocean
it only cost us 4.99.
I'll help myself to another serving of shrimp
I'm gonna like Reno just fine.

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Same Old Husband

Collin Conoley

Notes: I was having dinner with a friend of mine and she asked me why country songs are always about a man coming home to a wife that doesn't understand him, or why it's the man who's out cheating when the wife is at home, etc. I agreed that it was unfair, and with her voice in my head I wrote this song.

I go to work every day
working on the bottom line
When the whistle blows I just wanna go
and work on that heart of mine

On the long drive home
My dreams are sweet and warm
running free through the fruited trees
fallin' into my lover's arms

But my love life ain't close to ripe
it's drier than the desert sand
Because I'm going home to the same old husband.

I try to be a good wife
and keep my family strong
The kids can play and the bills get paid
and we still get along

But when I want to feel like a woman
I know where things stand
Because I'm going home to the same old husband

I know I made those sacred vows
But I need some release
and the only thing that'll stay awake
has got double A batteries

My momma sat me down and said
"Girl don't be a fool.
It's been the same ol grind since the start of time
and this ain't nothing new."

But when I was a little girl
dreaming of far off lands
I never thought I'd be
singin' woe is me.
my life is so damn bland
Because I'm going home to the same old husband.
Yeah I'm going home to the same old husband.

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She Gave me the Finger but I got the Upper Hand

Kevin Kalahiki

Notes This song originally had the unwieldy title "An Ode To Every Ex-Girlfriend Of Every Guy At The Bar" but really it's Kevin's ode to the glorious Elizabeth at Doc's Clock. Whether you're having a good day or a bad day, go see Elizabeth...she'll make it better.

I got me a new girl baby and I ain't your problem no more
I got me a sweet thing honey with a ton o' good times in store.
If you come around my house the lights ain't on no more
cuz I got me a new girl and you got yourself the door.

I got me a lady who laughs when I'm just trying to be myself
I got me a woman who don't know what it's like on the bottom shelf
you spent so much time worrying how I'm gonna hurt myself
now I got me a woman who don't care about my state of health.

You never understood the real me, baby
but my new baby can.
Now I finally know how a man should be a man.
You gave me the finger, but I got the upper hand

She don't care how I drive she just takes her own damn car
I cruise on down to her place mama, you know it ain't too far
We sit and talk for hours till the blue sky fills with stars
Then she hollers out, "Good night! That's the last call in this bar!"

Then all her boys stumble home to be back the very next day.
The stars all spin and make me dizzy but I still find my way.
And before I go to bed each night, I have one prayer to say
"May my new girl keep 'em coming, Lord, and may I never have to pay."

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Collin Conoley

I looked low I looked high
I didn't get to say goodbye
Don't get too excited cuz she's gone, boys, she's gone.
She caught the early train
or she took the red eye plane
She took the time and now she's rollin' on.

I looked North I looked South
I took that foot out of my mouth.
Don't get too excited cuz she's gone, boys, she's gone.
Told me she was leavin'
I said I don't believe it
She took such joy in proving my ass wrong

My baby took a long vacation
She told me that she had to see the world
I said I couldn't go
I just didn't have the dough
to keep up with that travel hungry girl

I've been drunk every day
while she watches dolphins play
Swimming with the turtles and the whales boys the whales
The blues I just can't kick it
so I'm gonna buy a ticket
gotta get to her before the last ship sails

My baby took a long vacation
She told me that she had to get some sun
Someplace where it's warm
someplace it never storms
drink and think and sit out in the sun.

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Collin Conoley

Notes: I used to work a couple weeks each summer at a camp for high school aged kids. One year we had a guest speaker come and do a presentation and her basic message was: "Abstinence or DEATH!" One of her ham-fisted techniques involved equating a woman's vagina to a Christmas present. The presentation came complete with a Christmas present all done up with a bow and nicely wrapped, but the wrapping paper slowly got torn up and ripped as it was passed around from boy to boy. Not awesome.

Guard your present girls, keep it safe from harm
no one wants a present that is tattered up and worn
Keep it in a shiny crystal palace locked away
oh guard your present girls until your wedding day.

Don't you do it doggy style, don't you do it on top
don't you do it missionary or the fosbury flop.
Don't you do it sixty nine or reverse cowboy.
Don't you do it all alone with electrical toys

Your virtue is a treasure that's more valuable than gold.
Waste it and you'll die alone, miserable and old.
Temptation is a wicked thing to lead you astray
oh guard your virtue girls until your wedding day.

Don't you do the flying camel or the Eiffel tower
Keep away from shockers girl and those golden showers.
Don't you put no dirty pictures on the internet
Don't you dare do something girl that you'll live to regret.

A woman's special promise should be cherished and kept dear.
Not jockeyed out for all the boys to ogle at and leer.
Their sweet words exact a toll you can't afford to pay.
oh guard your special promise until your wedding day.
Anal counts as double no matter what they say
oh guard your special promise until your wedding day.

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War W00t

Collin Conoley

Notes: Not such a great title, I know, but there are some sonic similarities between this song and the traditional song Indian War Whoop, so we're speaking to that a little. Really it's just a straight forward, honest song about a sailor home for the winter who is sad about having to leave his wife when the spring comes.

Caroline her hair is soft and golden brown
Caroline her tiny shoes don't touch the ground
Caroline wraps me up inside her blanket
The fire's burning low, she's the one for me
She's the one for me, she's the one for me
'til I'm off to sea I'll never let her go

Caroline her hair is soft and golden brown
Caroline her tiny shoes don't touch the ground
Caroline wraps me up inside her blanket
The fire's burning low, she's the one for me
Say you love me only, never leave me lonely
'til the snow is melting, never let me go

Caroline her hair is soft and golden brown
Caroline her tiny shoes don't touch the ground
Fancy in the morning and sleepy in the night
Gull calls out its warning and I put out the light
She's the one for me, she's the one for me
'til I'm off to sea I'll never let her go

Caroline her lips are full and ruby red
Caroline the bloom of youth goes round her head
Caroline wraps me up inside her blanket
The fire's burning low, she's the one for me
She's the one for me, she's the one for me
'til I'm off to sea I'll never let her go

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Zombies Crying out for Brains

(to the tune of "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain")

Collin Conoley

Notes: A delightful flight of fancy that we indulge ourselves in sometimes. Porkchops need braaaaaaaains.

In the twilight glow I hear them
Zombies crying out for brains
when we kissed goodbye and parted
I knew that we'd never meet again.

Blood is flowing like a river
Corpses walking o'er the plains
and in my last hours I'll remember
Zombies crying out for brains

The dead shall rise and walk the earth
When in hell no room remains
in a land with no hope dawning
Zombies crying out for brains

Aim for the head my darling
and try not to go insane
that bite there will get infected
Zombies crying out for brains

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